Reuniting With My Trust
Setting up this blog has been an exercise in letting go and trusting. Just like parenting. When my kind friend set up this blog for me I randomly selected a theme. I mean RANDOMLY. He said, “This is where you choose how you want your blog page to look” and I said, “Oh like this?” and clicked on one of the options. He said yes and carried on showing me around the site. So that was how I picked my theme. Obviously I was going to change it when I got around to formatting everything. When I got to a safe place of being able to control everything. C o n t r o o o l e v e r y t h i i i n g. Why is that so very important to us humans?
So this morning at 3.38am (but who’s keeping track?) I was called to duty. “Mamaaaaaa” wails a tiny little voice, penetrating my sleeping ear through the icy autumn morning silence. There was a whole lot of changing wet clothes and putting a towel on the sheets, going to the toilet, tucking back into bed action and then I was wide awake. I tried for a while to pretend that I wasn’t – I have a full day ahead of me – but I definitely was. “Hey” I suddenly and consolingly thought, “I can go choose a theme now! That’s exciting.” So off I tiptoed through my sleeping house, opened my computer and started going through the themes. One after another, trying them out, looking for what works for me.
I contacted Support and asked advice on how to do a chat forum on a blog. “Are there any themes that support this function?” I wanted to know. All pro-active and in control I was. On and on it went until I was down to one or two I liked but guess what? They didn’t support a chat forum – and I really want a space for chatting. I’d like people to be able to share their crazy moments and help each other figure out what is triggering the crazy. A “Madness-of-the-Month” feature. I’ll let you know more when I’ve got it more figured out. So many plans… but back to themes, that one was too warm, that one too cold…none of them seemed to be ‘just right’, as Goldilocks says.
Finally, much later in the morning now (6.14am!), worn down and square eyed I looked at the specs of the theme I already had – which by the way is not on the list of theme options so I really don’t even know how I clicked on it in the first place – and guess what? It has all the features I’m looking for. ALL OF THEM. I had just ‘wasted’ all that time. I started to laugh out loud, all alone here in the chilly morning, and then my laughter suddenly turned into a brief sort of sob as I realised how very little I trusted all this. The sob was both a moment of grief for the trust I’d lost along the way in my life and joy at my reunion with it.
Next time I’ll try to trust more. I’ll listen better to the help I’ve got. I’ll look more closely at the gifts I already have before seeking out new ones. Well I’ll try to anyway, who knows what I’ll actually manage to do. This is just the sort of lesson my children give me all the time. And now I have my blog joining in. I’m going to be a whole and transcended woman by the time they’re all done with me!