No, No, No! It’s About Love!
You see this is why I write this blog! To learn.
Thank you for your comments last week. They made me aware I was setting the shouting diet challenge in the usual masculine, gung-ho, set-up-to-fail way that so many of us trip into.
We humans are designed to need connection and love. It is how we survive and how we thrive. The real reason shouting from anger is so painful and we see it as so ‘bad’ is because it is a moment where we lose connection with our child – and more painfully with ourselves.
Life is not something you can ‘fail’ at. What a set-up. Everything that happens in our life is always, always helping us learn to love ourselves more deeply. So if you are angry, depressed, anxious, numb, all it means is that there’s a part of yourself calling for your attention, calling for your connection – a part of you that has, during your lifetime, been lost or pushed aside and that now wants to come home to you.
We just have to learn to listen.
The way to deal with yourself post-anger is the same way you would deal with your frightened, hurt child in your most tender and proud parenting moments. THAT loving tenderness is what this ‘diet’ journey is about for me.
I don’t want to beat myself up, get firm with myself or set goals at which I know I will fail. That’s just more of the usual self-sabotage. It’s another excuse to stay small and not shine my greatest light. It’s a way to say, “Oh see, I tried and tried and yet I failed. Clearly I’m not good enough. I’d better just stop trying stuff and live below the radar.”
This world gets better each time one of us lets our light shine, fully and without apology. How many times has your anger erupted because you kept quiet for too long and then went pop? Why do you keep quiet until you can’t bear it anymore? Why are you afraid you are unimportant?
You are not.
This journey is about connection. Life is about remembering who you are in essence – a radiant, richly gifted and beautiful being. It’s true – don’t snort at me! Regardless of what you may have fooled yourself into believing, whatever things were said to you when you were young…
Don’t believe me?
You know those moments when your child wants something from you and you really don’t want to, or you get angry about being asked and you make them feel bad for existing? Well do you actually think that’s about them? No it’s not. It’s about how you are feeling, what you are going through. That’s why you feel bad after – because it wasn’t about them at all and you know it.
Now take it from the other side. When your parents or siblings or teachers said or did stuff that made you feel bad about yourself in any way – THAT WASN’T ABOUT YOU. It was their stuff that made them react like that.
So shouting for example, is something we do when we are emotionally stirred up – excited, scared, etc. Our voice naturally rises. But there is never a need to shout when we are angry. There are always other ways of getting our point across that won’t hurt anyone else (unless they don’t like what we’re saying, but then again, that’s their stuff not due to anything you did to them). So our shouting is never about them, it is always about what got stirred up in us.
Whatever message people gave you about yourself, that was damaging to your self-belief and your self-esteem – WAS ABOUT THEM.
Whenever we get stirred up it brings us back to moments in our lives where we BELIEVED A LIE – that we are worthless, not important, not good enough… The task of being stirred up is to undo those lies within ourselves. We can only do that with loving connection. “I love you no matter what”. That’s what we all long to know.
THAT is what this shouting diet is about. It’s not about the children. It is to see the moments in which you forget that you are a precious, amazing, love-filled, light being – and then remember it.
The Diet Process Report:
Seven days into the shouting diet. It’s gone quite well. Twice this week I noticed my voice starting to get louder and I’ve shut up, walked away and come back talking quietly. It’s still crisis management though – I’m not conscious enough yet in those moments to do actual healing work. That’ll come.
Writing this post has shifted how I’m going to approach it from here on though. Not will-power but self-love.
How’s it going for you?
Three great resources for helping the no-shouting along:
Orange Rhino – a whole blog about learning how not to shout
Pass this on to others who may be interested or need to be reminded of love. Let’s spread the love and healing.