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Posted on 5 Oct, 2015 | 2 comments

Mom Is Driving Me Nuts!

Hey there. It’s school holidays again! Feels like we just had them. Anyway, I’m re-posting favourites for the next two weeks. I love to get to visit with them again. I’m so delighted that the holidays let me do that. Enjoy.

Love

Eilat 🙂

“I got triggered by my mom again”, he tells me.

mom

“What happened?” I ask

“We’d been having a lovely chat by ourselves before everyone arrived and it was so nice to feel connected. She asked me how I am and genuinely listened and I actually told her about some of the things I’ve been struggling with. It was real. And she was there for it. We’ve never spoken that deeply before. It was very special.

Then everyone else arrived and at some point she was telling my brother what to do again and when I tried to say something she shut me down like she always used to and I just exploded. I made such a fool of myself. I screamed at her that she never listens. I was SO angry. I don’t know if I was reacting to our closeness of before – like pushing her away maybe… It caught me off guard. I was SO angry.”

“Shall we look at what happened within you that made you react like that?”

“Yes please!”

“What made you that angry?”

“That she wasn’t listening to me. Just LISTEN to me! I have something to say.”

“How old do you feel as you say that? How old did you feel in that moment you got so angry?”

“I don’t know exactly – young. I felt like I wanted to say something but I couldn’t express myself in a way she could understand me.”

“If you can’t express what you need so that she can understand, what are you afraid that might mean about you?”

“That I’m not good enough. That I’m pathetic.”

“If you are pathetic and not good enough what are you afraid that might that mean for you?”

“I’d be not wanted, I’d be left out in the cold.”

“And if you were left out in the cold what is the worst that might happen?”

Pause.

“Well if I’m small then I guess I could die.”

“So in that moment you felt so suddenly angry at your mom what was happening for you?”

“I was afraid I would die? But isn’t that an overreaction? I mean she was just not listening to me.”

“Well yes, it’s an overreaction to someone not listening to you, but it’s not an overreaction for a child who thinks he is in danger of dying is it? As a child when she didn’t listen to you, is this how it felt?”

“Yes. It was awful and lonely. I suppose I felt in danger of not existing when she didn’t listen or understand me…”

“And not existing is the same as?”

“Being dead. Wow. Ok so I see what triggered my reaction. I don’t want to do that again though. I felt so bad afterwards. How can I change it?”

“When you feel the anger coming up, pause. Remove yourself from the scene if you need to and you can. You know now that the little child part of you is very, very frightened. He’s fighting off the danger – and very bravely too. So ask him, what does he need?”

Pause.

“To be reassured. To know he is safe. That he is loved and won’t be forgotten.”

“So can you do that for him? Can you see him, hold him and tell him what he needs to hear?”

“I suppose I can try…”

“Try it now.”

“Ok.”

Long pause.

“Ok I gave him a hug and I told him I will listen to him and that he’s always important to me.”

“Did he believe you?”

“Yes actually, he did.”

“How did he feel about you doing that?”

“He sort of relaxed, settled into my chest. He knows I’m there for him.”

man

“Maybe you can tell him you’ll pay extra attention to him when you are around your mother?”

“Yes that’s a good idea.”

Pause.

“He’s pleased about that. A lot.”

2 Comments

  1. Lovely!!
    When I’m not listened to, I’m perfectly aware that for me it means the threat of non-existence. Got to get around to not laying it on the non-listener, though.

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