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Posted on 27 Feb, 2017 | 6 comments

Do You Feel Your Feelings With Your Kids?

Hi all. My posts are once a month at the moment instead of once a week because I am working hard on a new book and need to put my writing time towards that. I am enjoying it hugely but I’m actually missing you all! I will let you know more soon. Now heeeeeere’s this month’s article:

We are so good at avoiding our feelings. Feelings are not the same as emotions, you know? Emotions are the ways that our feelings express through us. Feelings are the deep experience inside us – in our heart and body. Emotions are more externally focused – they are expressing outwards. Feelings are an internal inwards experience. They invite a stillness and focus within. We avoid that.

A lot.

It’s a pity because this is how we humans heal and connect with our heart and soul. The most amazing transformations and healing occur when you let yourself feel your feelings.

I have observed recently just how much I avoid this and how cleverly too. I try to trick myself. “I already know about that, I don’t need to experience it” I’ll tell myself. Or emotion such as anger or fear will sweep me conveniently away from my feelings and I will focus on whatever I think caused me my discomfort.

The thing is, while I have emotional intelligence and I am in touch with my emotions, I am less practiced at just sitting with my real inner feelings. It is quite a new thing for me to hold a loving non-judgemental space for whatever is there within me to just flower and fade as it needs to. I mean doing this without judging it and trying to change or ‘fix’ it.

I do this quite comfortably in my work spaces and I’m getting better at it when I’m on my own too. But at home with my family, I notice I still rely heavily on using emotional expression to distract me from what is happening inside me. So I get angry with my kids for not listening and for fighting, I get annoyed that I have to keep chasing after them tidying up, I feel victimised by not being appreciated… All of these emotions – anger, annoyance, fear – are things I focus on to avoid just connecting with my heart and seeing what feelings have been stirred. I make it not-about-me.

Sometimes I do this by making it all-about-me. “Oh poor me. Nobody listens to me. No one appreciates me.” These are the lamentations of someone who is trying not to see that they have big feelings inside.

I’ve decided I want to become more practiced in feeling my feelings. Nowhere else do my feelings get more triggered than with my family. This is easily confirmed by how much emotional expression happens for me when I’m with them. So this is where my most beneficial practice lies.

What does it look like to feel my feelings when I’m with my family?

Basically this means that whenever I am triggered and become angry or neurotic or controlling, my task is to:

  • stop,
  • notice I am externalising through emotions,
  • hold off on the emotional expressing
  • and turn inwards lovingly to allow myself to really feel what has been stirred inside me
  • accept myself and tell my feelings “You belong”

In other words, stop blaming other people and trying to control the outside world and just feel my feelings instead.

I look forward to the healing and transformation that will come from this practice.

How are you at feeling your feelings? I’d love to hear from you 🙂 As I said, I’m kind of missing you guys!

6 Comments

  1. Will this get the kids to clean up ;-)?
    It sounds great and I’ll try to work on this one.

    • Of course it will!! See emoticon of hysterical laughter…

      But it might help you see whats underneath your reaction to them totally ignoring your instructions and treating you like an irrelevant slave… (can you see your comment resonates with me?)

      Further hysterical laughter…

  2. I love this! I am so glad I stumbled upon your blog. Thank you for being a positive force for families. My husband and I struggle to have children but we write about that and our own adventures on our website. We would be totally honored to get a visit from you!

    Know that you made a positive impression on someone today! I will continue to follow along your journey! Have a blessed day!

    With love,
    The Bolen’s

    • Aloha Hevynn. So cool to ‘meet’ you. I like your blog. You are both beautiful and seem very full of life 😀

      I’m really sorry to hear your journey with becoming parents is a struggle. The irony is that parenting starts the moment you decide you want to be parents (unless you get surprised with it). Either way, as soon as the topic comes up you have no control over how it will all go down. That’s the experience of parenting – being out of control of the outside and learning to love yourself as you react to what happens to you. Learning to use all that unfolds – good and bad – to open your heart more and trust yourself and life more. I just heard Cari Murphy say, “We are shaken to awaken”. I wish you deep healing and greater self love through your journey. There is a wonderful blogger who has created an entire community for people struggling to become parents. It is empowering and supportive. Check her out http://www.stirrup-queens.com/
      Sending you warmest wishes
      Eilat

  3. I loose my patience, get mad, get nasty, become unhappy and not fun to be around, get depressed, feel sorry for myself… This is too easy so I think I will stop at this stage. But I think the pattern is clear 🙂

    • I think your courage is also clear. I wonder what will happen if you just allow yourself to feel whats underneath all that and LOVE IT for what it is. Just because you are you…?

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